TEENAGE VISITATION / ACCESS PROBLEM # 1: Mom doesn’t encourage teenagers to spend time with their dad, so teenagers don’t spend time with dad. All dad hears are excuses from the teenager and/or mom…
What do you do when teenagers don’t want to spend time at a divorced dads house anymore? Especially when Mom is not encouraging visitation, but is actively discouraging it?
Teenagers as we all know are a totally different type of child. We were all teenagers at one time and it is a rocky period of a child’s life. If you have been alienated, that even makes it more difficult. Sometimes kids do wake up.
Here’s what one father asked me: My young teenage kids have been alienated against me and do not want to see me. I decided not to pursue an order for access of the holidays. I have been told I will probably not be successful and I do not see any sense of rocking the boat as well as adding another hurt to the top of the amount of pain I feel from missing them what can I do?
You need a different strategy in this situation, because Family Court often will not enforce visitation against a teenagers wishes. So what’s a divorced dads to do?
Before I share one possible solution, I must make this disclaimer: Always remember that the following suggestion is NOT legal advice, nor is it a substitute for legal advice. If you are in Family Court you will need legal advice, so please see a lawyer. You are and you alone are responsible for your choices and course of action.
TEENAGE VISITATION / ACCESS SOLUTION # 1: First, recognize that what motivates a teenager to do or not do something is far different than a young child. You’ve got to give them some autonomy, plus make it attractive for them to do want to spend time with you, by hearing what they say and also by understanding that they are under enormous pressure at home to not go see you.
Divorced dads can find lots of help at DivorcedDadWeekly.com for solving this particular problem when they have teenage children.
Here’s what a divorced dad needs to understand: Many kids just avoid the whole issue because they are sick and tired of their parents constant fighting. PLUS they just cannot stand being asked to take sides.
The unfortunate reality is that many children get no encouragement from mom to see dad after a separation and/or divorce.
The BIG problem is teenagers have not yet fully developed their language skills, nor their emotional resiliency as they hopefully will as adults. So rather than face the situation, they often avoid the pain by escapism with their friends.
All teenagers naturally prefer their friends to their family at this time of their life. It’s part of separating their identity from their parents.
So how do you make it attractive for a teenager to spend time with you? Find out their hearts desire, and if appropriate accommodate it. That doesn’t mean bribery, it means accommodate a negotiation.
Children want all sorts of things good and bad. However parents constantly say NO. Sometimes that is an automatic reaction. Discern where it is appropriate to say YES.
YES is an attractive word to a teenager denied something they desperately want, especially when they know its appropriate and their mother is constantly saying NO.
There is one caveat NEVER let your kids play you and their mother off against one another in order to get the highest bid. That is just plain wrong, and your teenagers will lose all respect for you, and make every effort to weasel what ever they can out of you.
That’s not appropriate parenting. Set reasonable limits, BUT say YES when appropriate. If Mom says no Xbox in her home, go buy one and play it with your kids, IF they do their homework. IF they hit a certain grade level get them their favorite game as a reward.
Just don’t overdo it! Test and observe. Remember: YOU are the parent/adult. That should mean you are more experienced, smarter and insightful. Giving up is never an option.
Finally, in some cases you may become estranged from your child for some time because of their confusion about many adult issues that they have been inappropriately exposed to.
THE BOTTOM LINE TO MAKING THIS TEENAGE VISITATION / ACCESS SOLUTION # 1 WORK: Don’t let your child’s pain wound you. Remember - Time heals all wounds, as long as you remember that you are the adult. It’s up to you to set the example, even when it’s hard to do so.
Now, this is the most important strategy we want you to take action on right now while this is fresh in your mind. It will help you to deal with your teenage visitation and access problems on an on-going basis….Get your instant free access to our many divorced dad solutions for teenage visitation and access problems when you go to DivorcedDadWeekly.com.
Come ask every question you have to solve this problem and any others you are having with divorced dad parenting now!
From Danny Guspie & Heidi Nabert - The Dynamic Divorce Duo
DivorcedDadWeekly.com
Tags: Divorce
