How do you know if you are headed for a breakup or divorce? Well, probably you’re arguing, and the arguing really hurts. Not only is the pain that comes with arguing destructive, but the words themselves erode the trust between partners. The emotionally painful arguments many couples have can actually wreck the precious bond between them- even more so than whatever the arguments are about.

The number one predictor of divorce is a long term habitual avoidance of conflict, along with contempt and loss of friendship in the relationship. A common psychological pattern in relationships is for couples to avoid conflict until some event- an affair, a financial crisis, substance abuse, or a problem child- forces them to face their problems. Unfortunately, by then their lack of knowledge about how to face their conflicts and work though those conflicts in a productive way becomes actually destructive to their relationship.

What happens is that couples often avoid the pain of arguing. They don’t know how to fight fairly, honestly, and in an adult fashion. Consequently, their arguments become more and more destructive. The couples’ lack of wisdom in discussing the conflict not only generates distrust between them, it actually breeds contempt. And contempt will kill the relationship.

Catherine Usha Prescott Catherine Usha Prescott Catherine Usha, LCSW, a Catherine Usha Prescott Hawaii Couples Counselor Oahu Marriage Counselor, teaches couples in crisis new skills. She provides powerful relationship building and communication tools that can transform their crisis into a stronger and more resilient relationship.

Marriage counselors frequently attempt to teach better communication skills, but often without success. That’s because they teach a set of communication rules for couples to apply during specialized conversations, but the rules themselves, even when scrupulously followed, rarely create the trust and respect that are the foundations of a lasting relationship. While valuable, this approach is not nearly enough. Studies show that even the best communication shills will not necessarily save a marriage. And yet, without the right communication skills, many relationships are doomed.

The secret is to teach couples how to commutate in a way that promotes trust, builds respect, and enhances intimacy. Teaching partners how to move from anger and distress to trust and love is about shared respect more than following a set of rules. According to Catherine Usha Catherine Usha, it is as much an art as a skill. The art involves a therapeutic support for the respect and trust the couple once had, and the ability to draw that out while assisting in new communication modes.

Tags: Relationships